Four months already!

There have been so so many changes…and too terribly long since I’ve written of them here, so this will of necessity pale with all I mean to say.

She is amazing, delightful, mysterious, magical. When we go out with her, she always draws compliments, so I can say this is an objective, unbiased thing. One of my favorite occassions was after a hike in Forrest Park. We stopped in at St. Honore, the amazing Parisian bakery, for croissant and orange gateau and cappucino. Ayla had on a smart pink cap with a brown flower on the side and was beaming smiles at everyone. A cultured older woman approached and commented on her beauty, to which Ayla just lit up and the woman clasped her hands together and exlaimed,"Why, everything about her is just So Appealing!" Indeed!

Over the winter holidays, we met so many family members and friends, and friends of family and family of friends, and I was shocked to learn how many people had actually read our postings! I think the words of appreciation were a little paralyzing to my writing, both for the way I created subsequent high expectations, and, mainly, because I had thought with all the bazillion people and their blogs in the world, surely very few folks would be reading this one (though I checked for comments often!). In any case, it is one of those holding spaces for keeping a sort of record, for Ayla’s future and for swimming around in our own memories, and so important.
This blog is supposed to mainly be about Ayla, but I am going to indulge in talking about myself for a moment too.

A dear friend and colleague, A, recently assured me the first few months are hard; ‘kind of like being taken apart and put back together again in a new way.’ I can’t think of a better way to put it. In some moments, I really don’t know who I am. There is an entire new me that I did not know I would manifest, and I do not mean a feeling that was a latent part of me now revealed, I mean totally and wholly unexpected and ripe and inhabiting my being. (I almost said ‘inhabiting my body,’ but ‘my body’ is also still quite different, though I have fleeting sensations that feel like a long lost physical bearing, agility, lightness. But shock! I didn’t expect to still be pregnant-lady hungry at this point! Although I am still building a human body – and a big one! She’s already almost 16 pounds at 4 months!) One example of a me I am getting to know: I was an academic. A mostly rational, level-headed, sometimes skeptic, sometimes romantic, but generally even-emotions, grounded kind of person. Now, I feel long recurrent moments of overwhelming emotion, which entirely circumvent my reasoning brain. These moments all have to do with intense love, protectiveness, and, embarrassingly, neediness and possessiveness with my baby. There are other emotional struggles too, but they all arise from this mother-me which is begrudgingly learning to share and still also be a wife-me, and grad student-me, and alone-me (poor little alone-me, she really only makes appearances on rare baby-free showers and shits). I try very hard some days not to have incredible pity parties – they are so boring and pathetic – and am grateful for the words of His Holiness the Dalai Lama that occasionally come to me at the right times: "The main cause of suffering is egoistic desire for one's own comfort and happiness." No kidding! Why make myself miserable over yet another cup of tea gone cold? He also said over and over again the last time I saw him, when I was barely-showing-yet pregnant, “Children need MAX-i-mum Affection!!” which always makes me giggle to replay in my head –“MAX-i-Mum AFF-fection!!” and I delight in having a little one to shower with affection and kisses.

A also, I am sure very rightly, said “some stages are harder than others, but each is actually very short. each goes away (and never comes back for better or worse) and then you have a 'new baby' to deal with!” Ayla has truly been through so many stages already, and I wish I could recount them all to you in poetic narrative, but I am sure she is going to wake from her nap far sooner than that would require. I am keeping a calendar on the nightstand and try to record at least one little thing in it each day that she has done. So there is that record.
It’s been a very busy month: she learned about her thumb, that very useful thing; rolling over; chewing on anything she can bring to her mouth; talking louder; …

One of very most joyous things was hearing her truly laugh out loud for the first time, and the subsequent laughs, giggles, and squeals of delight she has begun to share with us. The very first one came one day when I was home alone with her and while I was holding her, she started to suck on my chin. I thought that was pretty funny and that it felt pretty interesting and silly, so I did it to her too. We started sucking on each others’ chins and she just was so absorbed with it she let out a feminine, petite, pure and sweet little laugh! I wasn’t sure I was right about this, but she did it again and I was in heaven. Since then most of her laughs, and her all-out giggle spells have been elicited by her ever-loving papa! (Whom she is unabashedly back in love with this week – his mere glance and she’s all flirty smiles.)

I can also see phases of a single emerging and developing action, like stretching. And, by the way, the stretches she does are definitely worthy of imitation – they feel great and some muscle memory tells me that I used to do them naturally too. In the first month, a big stretch sequence upon waking was to bring her fists up beside her face and twist her head back and forth in a small arc, scrunching up her face. In the second to third month, she began raising her fists above her head, and now that newborn gesture is gone, totally replace by a full body reaching out lengthwise - from tips of fingers to tips of toes – as far as possible, eyes wide open. This unfurling and opening has brought her more and more into the world, more curious and active as those fingers increasingly rest and explore uncurled. And she is really exploring these days, with eyes, hands, and mouth!

Her hand-eye coordination is making leaps and bounds, as with her hands have progressed from moving in little balls, to mitten-like sweeps and gathering movements, to reaching with opening fingers that then grasp around something. Just this week those fingers have started raking motions to try picking things up – which is great for smaller toys, but doesn’t work so well on the prism rainbows on the bed, the grout lines between the table tiles, or my nipples! ;)

I’ve also enjoyed the changes in the way we touch each other. Her flat palm and open fingers move across my skin so amazingly soft. Her touch can be very gentle and light, or a good strong grip. Often I really have a hard time opening her fist full of my hair. When she is sleepy and nursing, she strokes my chest. I fall in love again every time. I also notice how my touch affects her differently now too. In the early weeks, she was so new and sensitive – air was even a new sensation upon her skin – that she needed the lightest of touches for soothing affections, subtle vibrations for settling down, and yet a good solid pat for burping and an encompassing hold for security. Then was a time it seemed stroking her back or head was startling or too distracting – can you imagine not yet knowing that a back rub or a head stroke was relaxing and loving? Now though, especially if I match her pace when she strokes me, my petting her helps send her off to sleep. Yes, you can picture it, a warm snuggly puddle of circling love caresses. I feel so honored. Think about how comfortable and secure and loved one must feel to fall asleep in another’s arms. The whole mother-baby bond is so intimate in sensory ways, not just emotionally.

Ayla is also very sensitive to our moods and energy, and trustful of us and our communication. I notice if she is taking awhile to fall asleep, I might examine myself and notice I am anxiously trying not to rouse her and impatiently waiting for her to go into deep sleep so I can sneak off. Taking a few deep slow breaths and relaxing every muscle in my own body, she quickly does the same. I doubt anything visible or audible has changed, but she feels the difference immediately. She is also beginning to check in with us when she encounters new things. She eyes curiously a cat, dog, new person, tree, then looks to one of us. If we smile, reach out, or introduce her, she smiles and reaches out too. Her eyes follow us, especially me, around the room, and she quiets when she hears our voices, but still hasn’t figured out ‘object permanence’ (as in I’m GONE behind that shower curtain.)

I am tired and it’s so very quiet upstairs – ayla and Jason may be already sleeping… He is very good at putting her to sleep. It is very inviting.